A new book aims to demystify the process of delivering honest apologies.
Authors Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy have been studying the intricacies of good and bad apologies in news, politics and literature since 2012.
Their new book, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies, draws on a deep well of research in sociology, psychology, law, and medicine, breaking down the art of apologizing.
鈥淵ou have to use the words, 鈥業鈥檓 sorry鈥� or I 鈥榓pologize,鈥欌�� Ingall told CTV鈥檚 Your Morning Monday, referring to the first crucial step in any good apology. 鈥淪eems obvious. It isn鈥檛. Do not say, 鈥業 regret.鈥� That鈥檚 about you. Do not say, 鈥業鈥檇 like to apologize.鈥� Just do it.鈥�
Ingall added that the next step comes down to specific acknowledgment.
鈥淵ou can鈥檛 just say sorry 鈥榝or the situation,鈥� or 鈥榝or that regrettable thing last week,鈥� she explained. 鈥淪how that you understand why what you did was harmful.鈥�
Co-author McCarthy told CTV鈥檚 Your Morning that it鈥檚 important to explain a personal understanding of the impact you caused, and not to make excuses.
鈥淒on鈥檛 say, 鈥業鈥檓 sorry, but you were being very annoying,鈥� she said.
The authors added that it鈥檚 important to clarify why the same mistake won鈥檛 be made again.
鈥淚f you could make reparations,鈥� Ingall said, 鈥渕ake reparations.鈥�
鈥淚t could be as simple as: you鈥檙e wearing this beautiful white suit. If I spill coffee on it, I offer to pay for the dry cleaning. It could be something involving a donation to a favourite charity,鈥� Ingall explained.
鈥淪how the steps you鈥檙e taking to ensure you will not do this again.鈥�
The book features a list of thirteen words that do not belong in an apology. Those words are:
- Obviously
- Regrettable
- Already
- Dialogue
- Alleged
- Positivity
- Jesus
- Journey
- Self-discovery
- If
- But
- Context
- Unfortunate
The authors also spoke about what to do if you鈥檙e receiving an apology, but don鈥檛 feel willing to accept it.
鈥淵ou could say, 鈥楾hank you I need to think about that,鈥欌�� McCarthy explained. 鈥淵ou could say, 鈥業 need to sit with that.鈥� You could say, 鈥榊ou know you apologized for spilling the coffee, but you didn鈥檛 apologize for dancing on the table and breaking the dishes. You could redirect it. You could say I didn鈥檛 get the apology for the thing that really upset me.鈥�
Despite the complex terrain of delivering and receiving apologies, Ingall said it鈥檚 never too late.
鈥淧eople often [say], 鈥榳ell it happened five years ago.鈥� If you鈥檙e still thinking about it, then you鈥檒l probably feel better if you apologize for this thing that has been weighing on you.鈥�
She added that research has shown that a 鈥榯oo-quick鈥� apology isn鈥檛 as accepted as one that is a little bit delayed because 鈥減eople haven鈥檛 had the time to sit and think with it.鈥�
McCarthy added that, sometimes, 鈥測ou accept an inferior apology just because it鈥檚 so great to get it.鈥�
鈥淎pologies are mandatory,鈥� Ingall said. 鈥淎ccepting the apology is not.鈥�
