As a longtime fan of Larry David, I love his distinct mix of awkwardness, unfiltered honesty, and wit. But a line he delivered in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm this year made me pause. In classic Larry style, he said, 鈥淭hings could be worse. You could have a colostomy bag.鈥�
At the time, I had an ileostomy bag 鈥� a cousin to the colostomy. It was the necessary consequence of a potentially life-saving rectal cancer surgery in January. I thought, 鈥淲as the bag really the worst thing I could have?鈥�
For the uninitiated, an ileostomy diverts digesting food through your small intestine to an opening, called a stoma, created on the abdomen. A colostomy has its opening farther down the digestive tract. The stool is collected in an odor-resistant pouch. Often they can be drained and emptied, much like a regular bathroom visit.
The reports 13,000 ostomy surgeries are performed in Canada every year. On average, that鈥檚 35 a day. Some are temporary; others are permanent.
A friend who also has rectal cancer, wasn鈥檛 sure which she鈥檇 end up with. She was told the decision would be made mid-operation. The surgeon said if she woke up and the colostomy bag was on her right, it was temporary; on the left, permanent. She woke up, felt the bag on the left, and thought, 鈥淲ell, I guess that鈥檚 that.鈥�
Like many patients she believes a bag is better than the alternative. But a recent study found the stigma around them is a common reason why colorectal cancer patients delay or even refuse operations, driving some to pursue less effective treatments.
When I learned I needed a temporary ostomy, I didn鈥檛 know what to think. So I Googled it. There was a picture of a shirtless guy with a bag strapped to his six-pack abs. He wanted to show how it was no big deal and nothing to hide. It seemed hard to imagine I could ever be so chill about it.
However, after living with one for eight months, I can confirm it was fine. The bag was invisible under most of my regular clothes. Though, on the occasion of my nephew鈥檚 university graduation, I wanted to dress up and tuck in a shirt, which proved to be more of a challenge. Still I managed to make it work.
Of course, ostomies don鈥檛 just help cancer patients. Among others are those with ulcerative colitis and Crohn鈥檚 disease.
When you have an ileostomy, you鈥檙e initially presented with a kilometre-long list of things you can鈥檛 eat. Goodbye, corn. Farewell, salad. And you have to chew your food 鈥� like really chew it.
Mishaps? They happen. It was mortifying when my bag suddenly burst open in a hospital bed. At the time, I was surrounded by visitors. But after all the other indignities I鈥檇 been through 鈥� catheter, anyone? 鈥� I got over it pretty fast.
What gave me a lot more confidence was the purchase of a stealth belt. It鈥檚 designed to keep the bag snug against the body, making activities like going to the gym a lot easier. Online, there are also plenty of people selling cheerful pouch covers. Some featured little spaceships, sports logos, and even one that read, 鈥淪h*t happens.鈥�
Sometimes the bag even has its perks: I could avoid sitting on questionable public toilet seats.
During a cottage weekend with friends, the toilets stopped working when we lost power. But while the rest of the group fretted, I didn鈥檛 have to worry about it so much.
Talking about ostomies still feels taboo, and I even debated writing about it. But if the subject happened to come up, I found friends and family were mostly curious and had questions, but after a minute or two, moved on to other subjects.
Through this experience, my mom 鈥� who was a nurse in the U.K. 鈥� told me she鈥檇 helped patients with ostomies in the 1960s. It was a reminder that people have been living with them longer than I鈥檝e been alive.
This week, I had surgery to reverse my ostomy. I鈥檓 grateful for what it did to extend my life. If you find yourself in a similar situation, don鈥檛 stress. As I would have told Larry David鈥檚 character, for what it can do, an ostomy is 鈥減retty, pretty, pretty good.鈥�
