Over the last few years, couples going through a 鈥渟leep divorce鈥� has been all the rage 鈥� or just the realization that partnered sleep isn鈥檛 always the harmonious thing people think it should be. But what if you actually have trouble falling asleep or sleeping when your partner isn鈥檛 there?
That鈥檚 also common, especially among people whose partners have passed away, said Dr. Wendy Troxel, a Utah-based clinical psychologist and senior behavioural and social scientist at the RAND Corporation.
Some of the reasons this happens have to do with the partner alone, while others are more about the bedtime routine you have with them, which might be more conducive to sleep than the one you have without them.
鈥淭here has been so much focus on couples sleeping apart but it was sort of missing the other part of the story about why many couples do prefer to sleep together and why there tends to be this psychological drive to sleep with a person,鈥� Troxel, author of 鈥淪haring the Covers: Every Couple鈥檚 Guide to Better Sleep,鈥� said. 鈥淎t the basic level, sleeping together provides a sense of safety and security, which can really facilitate healthy sleep.鈥�
The sound of a partner鈥檚 breathing, the weight and warmth of their body next to you, and the feeling of being more secure and protected 鈥� especially for women 鈥� all can put your mind at ease, a necessary state for good sleep, she said.
鈥淥ur brains want to feel safe and secure in order to fall asleep, and one of the best ways to feel safe and secure is to have relatively predictable routines and environments,鈥� Troxel said.
There鈥檚 also the positive physiological effect of cuddling, holding hands or having sex before falling asleep, which can stimulate feel-good hormones such as oxytocin, which is stress-reducing, Troxel said.
Doing these activities likely also means you鈥檙e spending less time on screens before sleep, said Dr. Raj Dasgupta, associate professor of clinical medicine at Huntington Health in Pasadena, California. Sleep experts recommend turning off screens at least half an hour before going to bed.
Additionally, 鈥減artners also become part of the ritual and routine of going to bed,鈥� Troxel said.
The routine aspect is key for a good night鈥檚 rest, since it helps regulate our circadian rhythms and signal to our brains that it鈥檚 time for sleep, experts said.
When you鈥檙e missing out on that shared experience with your partner and feeling less safe, that can increase your stress levels, experts said.
What you can do about it
鈥淪ometimes it is possible that a person may feel the need to master sleeping alone, even though they prefer to sleep with their partner 鈥� just for the sake of logistics and continuity when their partner isn鈥檛 there,鈥� said Dr. Joshua Tal, a New York City-based clinical psychologist specializing in sleep issues.
One of the problems in trying to improve your sleep health alone is that the partner typically isn鈥檛 gone long enough for you to substantially develop the skill of sleeping independently, Tal added.
鈥淎fter a couple of nights of not sleeping well, you will sleep. So, it鈥檚 important to give yourself a chance to experiment without the person in order to learn that you can sleep properly without them,鈥� Tal said.
Whether you take more time for yourself to practice or not, there are things you can try to obtain the comfort you need and make sleeping alone easier.
Those can include stretching, yoga, meditation, a warm shower, aromatherapy or breathing techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, 4-7-8 breathing or diaphragmatic breathing, experts said.
If you need to feel your partner鈥檚 presence in some way, keep near you a photo of them or an object that has their smell, Tal said. Maybe that鈥檚 one of their recently worn shirts or a pillow with their cologne or perfume sprayed on it.
A body pillow can help replace their weight in the bed, Troxel said.
If you鈥檙e anxious about the room feeling too quiet without the sound of your partner鈥檚 breathing, 鈥渇ans or using white noises are really good for simulating breathing noises,鈥� Tal said.
Some couples sleep apart 鈥� or at least start the night that way 鈥� because of different sleep habits even though they want to sleep together.
If you鈥檙e a morning person but your partner鈥檚 a night owl, perhaps they could cuddle with you in time for you to fall asleep, then quietly leave the room to do whatever they please until they鈥檙e ready for sleep, Troxel said.
If your bodies don鈥檛 agree on the bedding or mattress, try using different blankets. If you have the means, two mattresses of a different firmness can be pushed together, or you could look into a mattress with technology that allows different textures and elevation levels on separate sides.
Some couples have a habit of calling to say good night right before sleep, but for some people this can be more harmful than helpful if it increases feelings of longing and loneliness rather than comfort, Troxel said. Pay attention to what works for you.
And of course there鈥檚 the age-old guidance for a healthy sleep routine, Dasgupta said. It鈥檚 important to not eat or drink alcohol or caffeine too late; to have a cool, dark and quiet environment; and to wake and sleep at the same times on a regular basis, he added.
Doing all these things even while your partner is there can make your chances of maintaining a healthy sleep routine even better, experts said.
