The key to happiness lies in positive thinking, we鈥檙e told. If we look deep inside ourselves we can find a warrior within. If we strengthen our minds, we can strengthen our souls. If we embrace gratitude, we can bring an end to stress. And if none of those work, there are always antidepressants.
But a new book, cheekily titled 鈥淔*ck Feelings," says to heck with all of that.
Written by Dr. Michael Bennett, a Toronto-born, Harvard-trained psychiatrist, and his comedy-writer daughter, Sarah Bennett, for those who have had it up to here with self-help books.
The pair take a tough-love approach to urge readers to abandon all the navel gazing and accept that sometimes, life is just hard. Some problems cannot be solved, so rather than talking about your feelings, focus on how to live with them.
鈥淲e don鈥檛 really reject feelings; I mean we鈥檙e not Vulcans,鈥� Sarah Bennett tells CTVNews.ca from New York, 鈥渂ut we say f*ck feelings in terms of not letting your feelings guide everything.鈥�
Yes, the book is peppered with plenty of salty language, but Bennett says such words often help jar people out of their ruts, like a slap in the face.
鈥淲hen we say, f*ck your feelings, it resets the conversation,鈥� she says.
Here are a few of the book鈥檚 key takeaways:
You aren鈥檛 in complete control of your happiness
The problem with many self-help books is that so many insist that you are responsible for your own happiness and that if you project positivity, then positive things will fall into place.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 a ridiculous and dangerous way of thinking, because there are so many factors in life we cannot control,鈥� Sarah says.
It doesn鈥檛 matter how much you will yourself to take a positive attitude; sometimes bad things just happen -- like, say, a bird poops on your head the minute you walk out the door.
鈥淵ou can鈥檛 control that bird or its bowels, but now you鈥檙e angry and you鈥檙e blaming yourself that you can鈥檛 stay in a positive mindset,鈥� she says.
So many of the aspects of the hand we鈥檝e been dealt in life are beyond anyone鈥檚 power to change, Bennett says. That鈥檚 why instead of trying harder to fix them and beating ourselves up when we fail, we would do better to try to understand what can be changed and what can鈥檛.
鈥淢y father鈥檚 approach is really like the serenity prayer: accept what you cannot change.鈥�
Some pain can鈥檛 be lifted
There are some situations that will never get better. It could be a grief that will never lift, or a person or memory that will always be a source of pain. After 30 years of practising psychiatry, Dr. Bennett says there are also some mental conditions that can鈥檛 be fixed either.
鈥淒epression is not curable,鈥� he says bluntly from Brookline, Mass. 鈥淚t鈥檚 like arthritis: it can be managed but it tends to come back.鈥�
But by acknowledging these sources of long-term pain and grief and accepting that they are going to be a part of our lives, they becomes easier to deal with, he says.
鈥淵ou won鈥檛 see yourself as a 鈥榙epressive,鈥� but instead as someone who fights depression from time to time,鈥� he says.
When true happiness can鈥檛 be achieved, we can still find ways to manage our pain. And we can take pride from realizing that we are doing the best we can with what we have to bear.
鈥淪uccess doesn鈥檛 mean happiness. Success is being proud of what you鈥檙e doing when you can鈥檛 be happy,鈥� Dr. Bennett says.
Let yourself off the hook a little
All of us have things about ourselves we don鈥檛 like or that we believe stand in the way of happiness. Maybe it鈥檚 our short temper, our scatter-brained disorganization, our tendency to get overly emotional.
But so many of these aspects of ourselves can鈥檛 be changed no matter how hard we try, says Dr. Bennett, because they are simply a part of our brain鈥檚 wiring. And the more we try to change them in the pursuit for happiness, ironically, the unhappier we will become.
鈥渋f you want to improve yourself in some way and you just can鈥檛... you wind up hating yourself and doing even worse,鈥� he says.
Dwelling on all the ways you鈥檝e failed yourself won鈥檛 help. But setting realistic self-improvement goals can, says Dr. Bennett.
鈥淏ut it must begin with self-acceptance.鈥�
You are still responsible for your reactions
Just because you accept that you have certain limitations don鈥檛 mean you can let yourself off the hook, Sarah Bennett says.
鈥淵ou can鈥檛 say, 鈥榃ell, I鈥檓 a procrastinator, that鈥檚 just who I am, so f*ck it.鈥� It鈥檚 about saying, I know i have this problem, and I have to find techniques to manage it,鈥� she says.
The Bennetts advise that instead of promising to control all your negativity, promise to not let it control you. Set such goals as: I will act decently in spite of the way I really feel. I will learn my triggers for bad behaviours and find ways to avoid them.
And then there's this gem of advice from the book: 鈥淕et to know your inner asshole so as to reduce the likelihood it becomes outer.鈥�
