TORONTO -- The other day, Lynn Nicholls and her husband drove by her father-in-law鈥檚 house in Niagara Falls, Ont. to wave at him from their car. The friendly 85-year-old man lives alone in the city鈥檚 main tourist area and is used to shooting the breeze with passersby.
However, with physical distancing and quarantine measures now in full force, Nicholls said her father-in-law has been feeling the effects of isolation.
鈥淗e鈥檚 losing his mind. This man who鈥檚 just so sociable has gone cold turkey,鈥 she told CTVNews.ca on Saturday. 鈥淚t鈥檚 the loneliness. Nobody can visit him and that鈥檚 what he counted on.鈥
That is why, when Nicholls and her husband arrived at her father-in-law鈥檚 house, they found him returning from yet another drive. But that wasn鈥檛 all. They also noticed he was wearing a clear plastic salad bowl over his head as he got out of his truck.
鈥淗e said 鈥楾his coronavirus, it can鈥檛 get through plastic,鈥欌 Nicholls recalled with a laugh. 鈥淗e was driving around with this bowl on his head. He thinks he鈥檚 solved the mystery of how to protect yourself from coronavirus.鈥
While Nicholls and her husband were able to convince him the bowl was not adequate protection against the virus and to stop inviting visitors to his home, she said her own father has been wandering away from the retirement home where he lives and going out for aimless drives too.
鈥淲e had them [the home鈥檚 staff] have him hand over his keys. It鈥檚 like having an unruly teenager,鈥 she said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 like he鈥檚 grounded.鈥
Nicholls isn鈥檛 alone in her attempts to convince a family member to stay home during the pandemic, either.
Hilary Duffin and her family in Oshawa, Ont. have been trying for weeks to persuade her 88-year-old grandfather to stop running daily errands during the health crisis. She said they have been dropping off groceries at her grandparents鈥 house so he doesn鈥檛 have to leave.
鈥淗e鈥檚 pretty nonchalant,鈥 Duffin said. 鈥淲e have a pretty good sense of humour and so I threatened to deadlock his door on the outside so he wouldn't go out and he鈥檚 like 鈥榊eah, OK, you do that.鈥 He鈥檚 just not serious about it.鈥
And it鈥檚 not only older generations that have been playing fast and loose with physical distancing rules.
Gary Direnfeld, a Keswick, Ont.-based social worker, said he鈥檚 received a lot of questions from parents seeking guidance on how they can convince their teenagers to stay home during the health emergency.
鈥淚t spans all ages,鈥 he said. 鈥淚 hear a lot about teenagers, but it鈥檚 also 30-somethings, my generation or the boomer generation, and even some of the elderly.鈥
Direnfeld said there could be a number of reasons why some people are still having trouble taking the pandemic seriously. For instance, he said they may think they鈥檙e immune, they feel invincible, or they just don鈥檛 believe the scientific facts they鈥檙e hearing about it.
Dr. Nathan Stall, a geriatrician at Sinai Health System (SHS) in Toronto, said there could also be financial reasons for why some people are still eschewing the rules: so they can make ends meet during these difficult economic times.
Additionally, he said some people may become more lax with their adherence to physical distancing guidelines because they鈥檙e fatigued with isolation.
鈥淚 worry that people are actually, as we approach the second month of this is a country, that people are experiencing fatigue. It鈥檚 not easy,鈥 he said. 鈥淭his is not a trivial thing. There are substantial mental health consequences that are evolving.鈥
That鈥檚 one of the reasons why Lori Ciaralli suspects her sociable parents, who are in their late seventies, are still allowing visitors to come inside their home in Laval, Que. to pick up face masks her mother has sewn or why they鈥檙e still dropping off baked goods at their friends鈥 homes.
鈥淭hey go to this senior centre where they play cards, they dance, they have meals, they have fitness classes, and they don鈥檛 have the technology that the rest of us have鈥 so for them, this step down to where we are, it鈥檚 huge,鈥 she explained.
How to convince loved ones to stay home
While Nicholls resorted to taking her father and her father-in-law鈥檚 car keys to keep them home, and Duffin jokingly threatened to deadbolt the front door of her grandfather鈥檚 house, there are a number of other strategies people can employ to reason with their loved one during the pandemic.
Discuss from a place of curiosity
Social worker Gary Direnfeld encouraged anyone who is concerned about a loved one鈥檚 adherence to quarantine measures to approach them from a place of curiosity instead of bombarding them with facts.
鈥淭hrowing more facts at them doesn鈥檛 necessarily help them change their point of view,鈥 he said. 鈥淎 lot of arguments ensue between people and they have a facts war.鈥
Instead, Direnfeld said people can try asking them questions about how they would feel in certain plausible scenarios that could come to pass if they continue what they鈥檙e doing.
鈥淒o you think, given my concerns, I should let you back in the house? What would you do if I were to die?鈥 he posed as examples. 鈥淲hat if you were to get grandma or grandpa sick and they died? How would you live with that? Or what if you were to die and your grandkids never got to see you again? Would that be OK?鈥
Direnfeld said the aim is to have them problem solve in these 鈥渨hat if鈥 scenarios so they will come to reflect differently on their current situation and the possible repercussions of their actions.
鈥淲e want to make it very personal without attacking the person,鈥 he said.
It鈥檚 a strategy that worked for Yvonne Ziomecki, the executive vice president of marketing and sales for HomeEquity Bank, who was able to convince her parents to stay home by invoking their grandchildren.
鈥淭he thing that was most effective was [telling them] 鈥榃e want you around for us and we want you around for your grandchildren. We want your grandchildren to have you for as long as possible,鈥欌 she told CTVNews.ca during a telephone interview from her home in Toronto on Thursday.
Duffin, too, told her grandparents that her summer wedding had been postponed and that she wanted them to take physical distancing seriously so they could be around for that day when it arrives.
鈥楻each in鈥
As people isolate themselves at home and rely on technology for communication, Dr. Nathan Stall said there will be a serious social recession as a result of this new reality.
鈥淧articularly for older adults who we know are some of the age groups with the highest risk for loneliness and isolation,鈥 he said. 鈥淭hese are profoundly difficult times for them because social interaction and connectivity at the best of times can be difficult.鈥
To lessen the effects of this isolation, Stall said it鈥檚 more important than ever for people to leverage technology in order to stay connected to their loved ones.
Even if it鈥檚 as simple as a daily phone call, Direnfeld said people should make an effort to 鈥渞each in鈥 and contact those who are particularly isolated and who may not reach out to others on their own behalf.
鈥淩each in to those persons, phone them regularly so that you can help stave off their sense of isolation,鈥 he advised. 鈥淚 speak with my own mother once or twice a day. She's 95. She, in turn, speaks with several of her friends daily to check in on each other, they connect, they reach in.鈥
For Ziomecki, part of reaching in to her parents involved asking them about their lives and how they can make their quarantine at home more enjoyable.
鈥淲hat do you need? What can somebody get you? You know, let鈥檚 teach you this. Here's a show you could watch, you really like British shows, here鈥檚 a British show you could watch,鈥 she said.
Understand the limits of our influence
As much as people can try to reason with their loved ones, Direnfeld said there will be cases when an individual just won鈥檛 listen. In those circumstances, he said it鈥檚 important for people to understand the limits of their own influence and to consider what they鈥檙e willing to do in terms of setting boundaries instead.
For example, he said a parent could prevent their teenager from living under the same roof as others in the household if their actions put others at risk for infection; however, they would also have to figure out an alternative arrangement for where that child could safely stay instead.
鈥淲e can鈥檛 control everyone,鈥 Direnfeld said. 鈥淪o that鈥檚 why we鈥檙e encouraging all people to have these difficult conversations with those who continue to place themselves or others at risk.鈥
Keep the pedal on the metal
Finally, although it may seem like their loved one is not listening, Direnfeld encouraged people to continue having these conversations, difficult as they may be, until they can figure out an arrangement that works for everyone.
鈥淭here鈥檚 no one solution or a series of solutions that will deal with all these problems,鈥 he said.
Stall agrees and urged people to 鈥渒eep the pedal to the metal鈥 and to continue to remind their loved ones about the importance of physical distancing measures.
鈥淚 think it鈥檚 just so important to remind ourselves that we're not only doing this for ourselves, but we're primarily doing this for the more vulnerable in our society,鈥 he said. 鈥淭here鈥檚 this overused, but apt phrase that says 鈥榓 society is judged by how it treats its most vulnerable.鈥欌
