When things would get tense between the kids in my house, sometimes my dad would sit beside us and talk out how to address our feelings and resolve conflict.
Other times, he would start a food fight at dinner or scoop us up unceremoniously in our jeans and T-shirts for a group jump into the backyard pool.
And it turns out, humour like that may be an important skill in parenting, according to new research.
Researchers surveyed about 300 people about their experiences being raised with or without humour and their views on their childhood, according to a study published Wednesday in the journal PLOS One.
People who were raised by adults who used humour were found to have a better view of their parents or caregivers, more likely to say they have a good relationship with them, more likely to say they did a good job, and reply that they would use the same parenting techniques, said senior study author Dr. Benjamin Levi, professor of pediatrics and humanities at Pennsylvania State College of Medicine.
The study is small, and the population isn鈥檛 very diverse, said Dr. Katie Hurley, senior clinical advisor for The Jed Foundation, a nonprofit dedicated to teen and young adult mental health and suicide prevention, and a child and adolescent psychotherapist. She was not involved in the research.
It is the initial step in a broader investigation, Levi added. 鈥淭his is just the very first of several studies that we鈥檙e doing to better understand both how humour was used with children and 鈥� what sort of they (the children) took away from that,鈥� he said.
More than a laugh
Yes, humour can get your family laughing, but it also serves a lot of important functions in parenting, Levi said.
鈥淚t sort of forces you to react differently, which opens up new perspectives and new opportunities,鈥� he said. 鈥淭hat kind of connection can be very (encouraging) for the relationship between the kid and the parent.鈥�
Sometimes, humour can be helpful to diffuse the sour moods that can naturally come and develop as kids grow up, said study coauthor Anne Libera, associate professor of comedy writing and performance at Columbia College Chicago.
Other times, using humour can create a bond between you and your child from which you can better solve problems, she added.
鈥淚n addition to stress relief and easing social interactions, humour promotes language and literacy skills, creative problem solving, and resilience and helps kids cope with disappointment,鈥� Hurley said via email.
And making a joke can benefit you as the adult, too, Libera said.
鈥淯sing humour can change your child鈥檚 behavior, but can also help you reframe a stressful situation, and that was, for me, a huge saving grace,鈥� she said.
锘縎imilarly, maybe jumping into the pool fully clothed was my dad鈥檚 way of jolting cranky kids out of their moods with a laugh at the absurdity. Maybe it also gave him space to take a breath and not get pulled into the stress as well.
When jokes go wrong
Humour is not a cure-all, however, Levi said. When and how to use it effectively is part of the next step in the research.
鈥淭he real question is, how can humour be used appropriately for the children? Because humour can be weaponized. humour can be exploitative,鈥� he said.
The helpfulness of humour is dependent on different factors: the child鈥檚 age, the problem they are facing, the intention of the person delivering the joke, and the temperament of the person receiving it, he said.
It鈥檚 important that as a caregiver in a greater position of power than your child, you don鈥檛 use humour to make them feel smaller, Libera said. Or that you trade a moment of validation and listening for a joke.
鈥淎 13-year-old who comes home sullen and doesn鈥檛 want to talk or is angry or is crying 鈥� boy, that鈥檚 complex, and that requires a much more nuanced approach,鈥� Levi said. 鈥淪ometimes humour lends itself to nuance. But I would guess that often, in those kinds of nuanced situations, humour is a lot harder to pull off successfully.鈥�
Striking the right tone
How do you know then if you are using the right kind of humour for your child?
Stick to where they are developmentally, Hurley said.
鈥淚nfants and toddlers respond well to slapstick humour, but preschoolers love a tall tale,鈥� she said. 鈥淎s kids grow, their sense of humour and ability to understand different types of humour becomes more sophisticated.鈥�
You can also ask yourself what the purpose of the humour is and whether it respects your child as an individual, Levi added. He recommended thinking about whether the joke is at their expense, if it is for their benefit or yours, and if it is intended to make things more positive.
鈥淚t鈥檚 something to be really careful about because children are resilient, but they鈥檙e also vulnerable, and there鈥檚 an inherent power imbalance between parents and children,鈥� he said.
Humour is like a game, Libera said. If you are just making fun of someone, that isn鈥檛 a game they can play, too.
The best humour you can use with your children is the kind that puts the two of you on the same side, she added.
鈥淥ne thing to avoid across age groups (is) sarcasm,鈥� Hurley said.
Sarcasm is rather sophisticated and often used in anger or resentment, so it might be hard for your child to decode. And your jokes should never be used to hurt, shame or embarrass your children, she added.
鈥淪tick to the parent jokes and humourous problem-solving efforts that you know will decrease stress and keep the family engaged in a positive way,鈥� she said.
