LONDON, U.K. -- Let鈥檚 call it Boris Johnson鈥檚 provisional, conditional, qualified, tentative, uncertain, hesitant 鈥渄e-lockdown鈥 plan.

Or as one of the British tabloids put it this morning: 鈥淚t鈥檚 all Greek to us Boris.鈥

One thing is absolutely clear: The ban on sunbathing has been lifted.

Thirty million viewers watched the British prime minister鈥檚 address to the nation last night. Consensus: it was a bit of mash-up. 

鈥淪mart suit, brushed hair,鈥 . 鈥淚t was just Boris Johnson鈥檚 speech that was a mess.鈥

The prime minister announced that anybody who couldn鈥檛 work from home should go back to work this morning -- avoiding public transit, if possible.

He really meant to say 鈥溾hould go back to work as of Wednesday,鈥 but somehow that bit got left out of his announcement.

Maybe the country needs to show a little patience here. The man is still recovering from his brush with coronavirus death and becoming a father two weeks later.

Or maybe not.

鈥淐haos,鈥 screamed another tabloid. Then again, tabloids always scream. 

As of this week, the British can exercise outdoors as much as they want -- keeping their distance of course. They can play tennis with a member of their own household. They can go to a beach and swim.

They can鈥檛 go for a haircut, and this really bugs a lot of people.

I know women who are getting special shipments of colour so they can administer to flowering roots. I know men who are self-mutilating runaway hairlines.

I know one woman who is adamantly refusing -- no fool, she -- to help a vain man with a little trim. He鈥檚 getting desperate.

The government is also going to start allowing 鈥渓imited contact鈥 between families, yet this too seemed fraught with confusion.

Yes, said the foreign secretary, Dominic Raab, you could meet with your mother in a park -- say, in the morning -- as long as you kept a safe distance apart.

Could you then meet with your father in the same park, in the afternoon?

Yes, said the foreign secretary, that would be OK too.

What about meeting both parents at the same time?

Well, said the flexible Mr. Raab, that too would be fine, provided you kept two metres apart.

鈥淐onfused and divided,鈥 declared The Guardian.

Along with his de-lockdown baby steps, Boris Johnson has come up with a new coronavirus slogan -- this is a prime minister who loves catchy slogans.

For weeks we鈥檝e been told, 鈥淪tay at home. Save lives.鈥

The new slogan, introduced to widespread disapproval, even mockery, is: 鈥淪tay alert. Control the virus.鈥

Question: How do you control the virus?

Scotland and Wales both announced they鈥檙e sticking with 鈥淪tay at Home,鈥 in defiance of the prime minister. In other words: Exercise all you want, England, just don鈥檛 come here to do it.

Or sunbathe.