LONDON, U.K. -- How鈥檚 this for timing?
It took almost a month for the British police to articulate the guidelines surrounding our new, shared lifestyle arrangement.
Do you like that phrase: lifestyle arrangement? Or shall we stick with 鈥渇orced isolation?鈥
Anyway it seemed a little late.
So let鈥檚 flash back to Day One鈥擬arch 23, when Prime Minister Boris Johnson ordered us to 鈥淪tay at Home!鈥 That was before he got the virus, and in his father鈥檚 words, 鈥渁lmost took one for the team.鈥
There was, naturally, a fair amount of confusion as most of us tried to adjust and obey the regulations鈥攊f only to remain alive. What was allowed, what wasn鈥檛 allowed, and what happened if you got caught?
We were all a little surprised when the Secretary of Health, so incensed by the amount of exposed flesh he saw on Easter weekend, announced a ban on sunbathing.
Mr. Matt Hancock didn鈥檛 seem at all worried about the lack of sunscreen being applied to white British bodies. He was, rather doggedly, enforcing the rules against social congregation on a hot Sunday afternoon.
Which bring us to the official, updated, police-approved list of 鈥渞easonable excuses鈥 for people to leave their homes.
Let鈥檚 begin with cooling off, which has nothing to do with removing some of your clothing.
This is about losing your cool.
If you鈥檙e feeling a little crazy鈥攁s in, violent鈥攁fter weeks being cooped up inside, it鈥檚 perfectly legal, say the police, to go outside and 鈥渃ool off.鈥 They won鈥檛 give you a ticket.
You can go for a run, you can cycle; you can do yoga outside. You can go for a hike, or attend to your allotment garden. You can even stop to rest or eat your lunch while on a long walk.
Sunbathing, pointedly, is not on the list.
It鈥檚 now okay to buy 鈥渓uxury items and alcohol,鈥 and this is important, because police in Northumberland were recently threatening to inspect shopping carts for 鈥渘on-essential鈥 items. Chocolate? Ice cream? Vodka?
At this point in our mutual journey of fear and misery, I don鈥檛 know anyone who would declare vodka to be 鈥渘on-essential.鈥
Of all the shopping guidelines, this is my favourite:
It is okay to buy tools and supplies to repair a fence 鈥渄amaged in recent bad weather,鈥 but it is not okay to buy paint and brushes 鈥渟imply to redecorate a kitchen.鈥
Huh?
It should come as no surprise that the lockdown has inspired widespread snitching. The West Midlands police have been getting up to 2,000 calls a day to their hotline (snitch-line?)
And get this: a lot of calls are from people spreading false accusations about neighbours they don鈥檛 like. Among the most common: neighbours who walk their dogs more than once a day.
Lockdown shaming at its finest.
Perhaps you could say the police are as good at lockdown shaming as anybody. For a while, they were using drone footage, and leaving notes on windshields to berate people who were out hiking.
Hiking? In the country? Really?
And then there鈥檚 the hamburger story. You鈥檙e going to love this.
Police in Derbyshire caught four friends in a parked car wolfing down burgers, fries and soft drinks. They鈥檇 driven 40 kilometres to buy takeout.
The fine: $418, for violating social distancing rules.
I鈥檓 thinking, the best double cheese, mustard, lettuce, tomato and bacon you鈥檝e ever tasted.
