There's a moment in "Fool's Gold" when Matthew McConaughey, as a flaky treasure hunter, finds himself stranded in the middle of the ocean, bobbing up and down as he clings to an ice chest, baking in the stillness of the sun and praying that someone will come by and rescue him.
And you're watching him thinking, "Yeah, I know exactly how he feels."
A tortuous experience
This painfully lifeless and lame romantic comedy from "Hitch" director Andy Tennant leaves you desperately wishing that someone -- anyone -- would swoop down and fix it. Pick up the pacing, juice up the chemistry, cut out 20 minutes, something. Because as it stands, there's nothing romantic or comic about it.
McConaughey and Kate Hudson team up for a second time following 2003's formulaic but tolerable "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." And while they look great individually as they traipse about the Caribbean setting, showing off their tanned, toned bodies, they don't play terribly well off one another. (But at least now we understand why we've seen photographs of McConaughey's shirtless beach workouts online nearly every day for the past year or so. It's work-related -- not because, you know, he's a shameless exhibitionist or anything.)
Meat heads meet cute
The script from Tennant, John Claflin and Daniel Zelman has Hudson and McConaughey, as the newly divorced Tess and Finn, awkwardly reconciling when a clue emerges that could lead to the hidden treasure they'd been obsessed with for years. This essentially consists of her hitting him on the head with various objects until she eventually realizes she'd rather make out with him instead. (A running gag about Finn's prowess in the bedroom, and how it still has a hold on Tess, is never particularly funny.)
But first we must go through tediously protracted explanations about the Queen's Dowry, 40 chests of Spanish treasure that were lost at sea in 1715. That's the short version; the way the story is told in "Fool's Gold" will make you dizzy with boredom.
One of Canada's finest picks up a paycheck
Tess, who works as a steward aboard an enormous yacht owned by billionaire Nigel Honeycutt (Donald Sutherland, slumming it), persuades him to fund the expedition with Finn's help. Nigel has nothing better to do -- and besides, he figures the adventure might provide a chance for him to reconnect with his estranged socialite daughter, Gemma (a shrilly bubble-headed Alexis Dziena), who's reluctantly come to visit.
Meanwhile, Finn must figure out where the treasure is buried before his competitor and former mentor, Moe (Ray Winstone, also slumming it), gets to it first. He's in serious debt to a rapper-gangster known as Bigg Bunny (Kevin Hart), who happens to own the entire island where the gold and jewels might be hidden.
That's all folks
And speaking of rabbits, the tone of "Fool's Gold" often feels as if Tennant & Co. were straining to create a live-action version of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, from the slapsticky physical humor to the constantly jaunty score. You know the one -- where Bugs pops up from underground and proclaims, "Well here we are, Pismo Beach and all the clams we can eat!" -- only to find that he and Daffy Duck accidentally have ended up in a cave surrounded by treasure.
At one point, Finn literally hops like a rabbit across the ocean floor while chained to an anchor. What's up with that, doc?
Running time: 113 minutes.
One star out of four.
