With all the souped-up cars in "Fast & Furious," its stars could have done us a favour and moved on in their careers.
No such luck film fans.
Vin Diesel (Dominic Toretto) and Paul Walker (Brian O'Conner) are back in theatres on April 3, giving Universal's fourth instalment of badass car chases and justice-wielding Ker-pow's the same dirtied-up action we've seen before.
Hot cars. Hot-dog drivers. Hot chicks in ass-baring minis. That, plus an $80 million budget and the return of Michelle Rodriguez (Letty) and Jordana Brewster (Dom's sister Mia) will make this a sweet ride for diehard fans.
No big surprise there. Universal's gas-guzzling formula has worked well ever since the $600 million-plus franchise kicked into gear in 2001 with "The Fast and the Furious."
"Make it fast. Or make me furious." Producer Neal Moritz quipped at the film's L.A. premier on March 12 at the Gibson Amphitheatre.
That's better than the sludge-filled story Diesel delivers in this lemon, which opens with bad boy Dom and Letty trying to hijack a renegade petrol truck.
When tragedy follows, Dom and pretty-boy agent O'Connor join forces to find the drug lord who has cost them dearly.
"This movie captures love of cars, street culture and the best vibe of what we want from action films," Universal Chairman Marc Shmuger said at the L.A. premiere. "The adrenaline it bottles and delivers to the audience is irresistible."
Note to self: Shmuger's been breathing too many exhaust fumes.
A speed demon that doesn't deliver
Fast cars and fast times are nothing new to Hollywood. From James Dean's iconic drag racing in 1955's "Rebel Without a Cause" to Daniel Craig's breathless tunnel chase sequences in 2008's "Quantum of Solace," moviegoers love cars that kill and thrill.
With its GPS-directed street race sequences, "Fast & Furious" does bring a modern videogamer's touch to the high-speed action. As one fan remarked at the Toronto preview, "This movie is the 'Star Wars' of car racing flicks."
Millennium Falcon captain Han Solo and his Wookie first mate, Chewbacca, might agree. My bet: They'd call "Fast & Furious" a supersonic snore.
These mythical speedsters and moviegoers, however, would agree on one point: Time's been good to Diesel.
At 41, Diesel's buffed bod is as impressive as the gravity-defying cars director Justin Lin sends hurtling across the big screen.
As Diesel mumbles to one "Fast & Furious" hottie, "I appreciate bodywork of all kinds."
We can, too, Vin.
"He's still got the guns," grinned one female fan mesmerized by Diesel's biceps.
The "assets" of this one-time New York bouncer have been hard to miss ever since Diesel's breakthrough role as the anti-hero Riddick in 2000's "Pitch Black."
Later films like "The Fast and the Furious," which earned more than $207 million worldwide, and 2002's "xXx," which nabbed $277-plus million, turned macho man Diesel into an action hero superstar.
That's hard to believe about a big, bad, bringer of justice with a voice that sounds like Daffy Duck on steroids.
"You wanna know why Vin's so great?" another moviegoer divulged. "He's the Laurence Olivier of action flicks. It's all in the eyes. They say everything."
Note to self: Shmuger isn't the only one who's been breathing too many exhaust fumes.
Even in tights and a foppish Shakespearean wig Olivier showed the paradox of the human experience in his big, soulful eyes.
Diesel's gaze reveals the same thing as always in "Fast & Furious": Nothing. That's true whether he's saying 'You're gonna die, bitch' or 'Pass the Kung Pao.'
"Fast & Furious" boasts a strong soundtrack, including singles by Pitbull, Soulja Boy and Busta Rhymes. Its chase sequences through remote mountain tunnels are also a nice homage to "Quantum of Solace."
But with lumbering lines about cowboy-styled justice, honour and Dom's take on the perfect woman ("She's 20 per cent angel, 80 per cent devil"), Diesel should have kept quiet in this one and let the stick shifts do all the talking.
